Page 140 - Musings 2020

I think about the time when Allie was born. I remember being in the delivery room all excited
and Allie came out of her mother’s womb. She was silent for a moment or two. I saw her face
and looked carefully. She was all dirty and bloody but cute, she looked just like me. The
doctor gave her a few taps on her chest and she started crying, no it felt like the baby was
screaming. At least that’s what it seemed like to me. The smile on my face vanished
instantaneously. I looked at the doctor, he didn’t act like anything was abnormal and my wife
also looked relieved after all the labour. She was tired but looked happy. Did none of them
notice? I didn’t know what was happening to me, but I just couldn’t stand the baby’s scream.
I scurried out of the room quickly. I went to the washroom and splashed my face with water. I
thought I heard it right, it wasn’t how a normal baby cries. But why did everyone else seem
normal? I had never seen a baby till date that I couldn’t stand crying, and I had seen a lot of
them. I was utterly confused about what had just happened. I couldn’t believe my ears. I came
to the conclusion that it must have been my mind playing tricks on me. So, I decided to go
and check back in.

The baby was silent when I went in, probably getting drowsy because of the heavy exercise it
went through. The nurses were preparing to take her to get her cleaned and give her some
rest. I looked at the baby again. Yes, just as cute as I remember it from five minutes ago. She
had a peaceful expression, nothing gave me the idea that she could be the one who drove me
out of the room a few minutes back. I was convinced that it must have been my brain playing
tricks. I probably needed some rest. I sat down with my wife, kissed her, and hugged her and
we smiled because my lifelong dream was in the process of fulfilling itself. I went to the
waiting room and lay down for a short nap. I could hear lots of babies crying in the hallway,
but not one evoked any kind of revulsion from me. The sun rays are coming in through the
window. It is a hot, silent afternoon. Allie, in her sleep, puts her thumb in her mouth. She then
twitches, adjusts herself, and still keeps dozing. I lay down on the bed beside her and took a
deep sigh and stare into space.

When Allie came home from the hospital, it started again. Every time she cried, and she did
cry a lot, it would feel like someone punching my soul and blasting my mind with shrapnel,
something like the sound that a nail makes when it screeches across a blackboard multiplied
ten times over. It was dreadful, always. I tried everything. I bought good quality ear-plugs. It
removed the sound up to a large extent, but still, everything else remained the same. The
sound wasn't the problem. It is inexplicable. My baby was my kryptonite. Every time I felt
her crying it tore at my soul. It made me go weak in the knees. It wasn't emotions that did it.
It wasn't because she was my daughter. It felt like the frequency of her crying voice resonated
with the frequency that I lost my mind to. Even if the sound is blocked the vibrations travel
through the air and through my bones and make my teeth chatter in agony. The worst part of
it was I couldn't leave her like that because I loved my little girl. Obviously I talked to my
wife about it. I did not manage to convince her about my problem, because I did not have any
explanation. I knew the doctors won’t be able to help me yet I consulted a few. None of them
could tell me anything remotely resembling a reason for this issue. They had never seen
anything like this and refused to believe it was possible. It refuted any kind of scientific
explanation. I also consulted psychologists to gain some insight though I had little hope there
too. While they said everything about me seems normal this phenomenon they couldn't
explain. They ruled out that I was insane.

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