Page 142 - Musings 2020

Allie woke up from her sleep and started crying. I could feel me already getting weak in my
knees. The cries felt like screams blasting into my brain as if someone had played it on a DJ
night as I was standing just beside the huge speakers. I went outside the room, grabbed my
earplugs, and tried to think about what I should do. My mental capabilities were getting
drained by the moment. I willed myself to get into the room and check what was wrong. I
checked her diaper first, all the while my body was quivering. The diaper was clean. I
remembered that I had fed her but tried it again anyways. She was not hungry. I put a pacifier
in her mouth but she smacked it away. Her cries were now gnawing at my soul of being. I
couldn’t hold on anymore and left the house. I couldn’t think, no thoughts materialized. I
waited for my head to calm down and decided to give another try. I took the rattler and tried
to divert Allie’s attention, all of it to no avail. I couldn’t take her in my arms as I felt weak. I
wasn’t sure I could hold her. I had to hold my head as well. I thought it may fall off, just plop
down my neck at any moment. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Why was the baby
crying? I was helpless to make it stop. I tried calling my wife but she didn’t answer. I
couldn’t leave Allie as well. So for what seemed like an age, I was just sitting there beside
her holding my head and writhing on the bed willing for it to stop. I don’t know how many
minutes or how many hours she cried for, I lost all sense of time. I even blacked out a few
times. But as suddenly as she had started crying, she stopped. She passed some gas and
pooped. I just sat there still agonized as the thumping in my head had yet to stop. Not wanting
the crying to start again I quickly removed the diaper with my unsteady hands and set it aside.
I cleaned Allie and dropped down beside her.

The next thing I remember is me getting up from the bed at 6:30 in the morning. The
previous night felt like a bad dream. There was no sign of her mother. I called out to see if
Cindy was back but there was no answer. My body was aching, as if I had a full-blown
workout the previous day at the gym. Allie was sound asleep, the dirty diaper lying on the
floor. I must have passed out then. Of all the things that make me weak I thought, it had to be
her. My baby is my kryptonite. I grabbed a glass of water and sat down at the couch with a
thoughtless mind. I had a new message on the phone. It was from my wife. She said she was
not going to come back. I am not sure what she meant. That just seemed weird. I think she
forgot to mention the time. She must have wanted to say she is not coming back till then and
so time. I am convinced that this is the case. It cannot be anything else. She knows I need her
to raise Allie. I am still exhausted. I fall back to sleep right there on the couch.

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